Sometimes I hardly can breathe. Everyday I’m thinking of her and yet that’s an understatement. Having her by my side, wishing to spend the rest of my life with her felt so natural, it still does. From the moment I heard her laughter I wanted her. Wanted to protect her, wanted to have a family with her, wanted to grow old with her. I let her in in every way a human being could, showed her everything of me. I truly believed it would be forever and acted like it. I was a fool. And now there are days I rather would have lost my right arm and still have her happy in my life. But that’s the catch. I could have her in mine, however I never would be part of her life. Even if we would sleep every night besides each other. She told me so. Well, not the thing with the sleeping, but the thing with not being a part of her life. She too told me, that she doesn’t know if she wants me and if I ever could be her family (and that after two years). For me, she was part of my family. As I needed her badly she let me down. Two times. It felt, it feels, like a knife sticking in my back. And now I can’t stop thinking of her, having her still deep in my heart, loving her so very much. Slowly it’s driving me insane and it hurt’s like hell. I wish I would feel something else. And that’s the dangerous part. The last time I was ironing, I imagined putting the iron on my left hand. I didn’t do it and I don’t want to do it, but I couldn’t get rid of the image the whole time I was ironing. I’m so fucked up. My ex screwed me royally over, she truly did a master piece. It weren’t her intentions, I know that much. I even understand the way she is and how she ticks and I love her just like that. She’s just the way she is, like I’m the way I am. Meaning we are just too different. And still I love her. For a long time I’m going to be fed up with relatinships. What use is it giving everything you can, when at the end you’re heart and soul are broken. For me she was my partner, for her I was a dirty little secret. I hoped for two years to change that. Believed giving her all my love would be enough. Damn was I naïve.